


It's Not What It Looks Like

by star_named_andy



Series: Barduil One-Shots [1]
Category: The Hobbit (1977), The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: A+ Parenting, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bardlings - Freeform, Barduil - Freeform, M/M, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-14 15:24:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4569546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/star_named_andy/pseuds/star_named_andy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raising four children is not easy, especially when they're Bard and Thranduil's rowdy children. When Bard returns home after a day of well needed relaxation, he finds his husband hasn't been doing as good of a job watching the kids as he'd hoped.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not What It Looks Like

**Author's Note:**

> A tumblr prompt! Let the craziness ensue!  
> (Disclaimer: I do not own the Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, or any of its characters or content.)

Married life with four children and bills, upon bills, upon bills was not an easy life, yet Bard loved it anyway. His children were each special little stars with their own talents and quirks that he adored: there was Bain, Sigrid, Tilda, and even Legolas, who was not his biological child, but his dear, sweet child nonetheless. They all had busy lives and places to be, whether it was school, school activities, friend’s houses, or hangout spots, and Bard and the husband he cherished with all his heart, Thranduil, made sure they got everywhere they needed to be. They also made sure they had everything they needed to be alive and well, and that they had some of the things they wanted on the side, too – as long as they were well behaved which was…well, not impossible, just rare.

Yes, each of the four darlings were wonderful and a blessing, but they could be an awful handful at times.

Legolas was the oldest at seventeen, a senior in highschool preparing for his departure into the college world. Bain was just a year under him, still battling acne and his terrible flirting skills while trying to learn to drive. Sigrid was fourteen pushing fifteen, just blossoming into her awkward years where emotions were running high and many questions were being asked. And Tilda, dear, innocent Tilda was only ten and already wanting makeup. Somehow, Bard and Thranduil had been slammed with every one of their children going through some of the hardest years of teenagehood all at once.

It was insanity, really.

The children loved each other and got along fine typically; there were occasional fights with yelling, hair pulling, and amateur wrestling, but nothing too serious. It was usually something like Sigrid getting offended by a stupid comment Bain made, Sigrid getting riled up at Tilda rummaging through her things and borrowing without asking (stealing), Sigrid shouting at Legolas because it just wasn’t fair that he was so pretty and he was a boy…most of it revolved around Sigrid for some reason and Bain had blamed it on her new menstrual cycle, which also became a topic of argument. The main problem wasn’t the bickering here and there, but the fact that the four of them had a knack for getting into trouble together, whether it was two, three, or all four of them.

The precious angels had the habit of doing things they knew they weren’t supposed to, like pulling pranks on each other and their dads, sneaking out of school together, sneaking out and in the house past curfew, driving without an adult present, lying for each other…the list was ever-growing. In a weird way, Bard supposed it was nice that they loved each other enough and were loyal enough to cover up for each other, but it was also very dangerous behavior. Legolas and Bain once thought it was a brilliant idea to teach Tilda to skateboard and simply plopped her on the thing and pushed her off. She fell, of course, ended up falling into a poison ivy bush and spraining her wrist, and Sigrid helped them keep it all secret until finally, the huge rash on Tilda’s skin was finally noticed and a hospital trip was made.

Despite the numerous idiot things the children did and how many times they were reprimanded by both Bard and Thranduil, things kept happening, and that was just the way it was going to be.

It was for this reason that Bard and Thranduil agreed that they would start taking days off: one parent would stay on watch while the other treated himself to a day of relaxation every other week or so (whenever they could spare the time, really). Thranduil had already had his first day and on this day, Bard had his turn.

It was splendid. Marvelous. Heavenly. All he did was laze around a hotel room, go to the gym, and bathe in the comfort of a hot, bubbly Jacuzzi bathtub. All the while, he felt slight guilt and immense worry (Thranduil was all alone with the rascals, after all), but he was too distracted by how wonderfully the jets of the jacuzzi tub got the knots out of his back to concentrate on everything else too much.

At the end of the day, he was returning home feeling as refreshed as ever. The idea of taking days off had been a genius one and Bard was planning on creating a new form of the day off: a couple’s day off where the two would get away, leave the kids to torment Thorin and Bilbo or some other trusted babysitter, and enjoy each other like the early days. The romance between them was still thriving, but it was no simple task acting upon it with everything going on in their lives. Needless to say, there was not much sex to be had, and if there was, it was usually quick and quiet; they didn’t even cuddle very much at night anymore because once one got into bed, they passed out in whatever position they laid down in, so it was no surprise that sex was difficult to come by, seeing as cuddling was even hard to get.

Yes, a couple’s day off! Bard would make it happen and it would be perfect.

He was breathing very easily with a smile on his face as he opened the front door to their beloved home, but he was greeted by a horrifying scream as soon as he opened the door.  
His short lived peace vanished and he threw himself into the house, his head spinning around in every direction to find the source of the sound. There was no one to be seen. He charged forward, stomping along heavily until he reached the kitchen and came to a dead stop. What he was looking at was mortifying.

Three teenagers on the kitchen floor. Blood.

This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening!

Three teenagers, his teenagers, were staring up at him with eyes the size of dollar coins and that alone showed their guilt, but Bard had caught them guilty eyes or not. Bain was breathing heavy and crying, lying with his back on the floor shirtless and a sewing needle through his nipple, and Legolas and Sigrid were sitting on either side of him.

“Um… it’s not what it looks like.“ Legolas was the first to speak, and oh, what a mistake he had made with his choice of words. Bard breathed, trying not to scream, or worse, explode.  
“What…in the goddamn hell…are you doing?” he asked in a very calculated and calm tone that was honestly more terrifying than any screaming he could have done. He sounded like a deranged lunatic and he could only tell by the way the kids looked at him with horror.  
“Da, they MADE me do it!” Bain cried as he sat up and whimpered as he saw the needle in his skin. “OH GOD, LOOK AT IT! I change my mind, I want it out! Get it out!”  
“He’s lying! Bain BEGGED me to do it after I did Si-”  
“LEGOLAS SHUT UP!”  
“Oh, I don’t feel so good…” Bain moaned and crossed his arms over his stomach.  
“Get away! He’s gonna puke!” Sigrid announced and sprung off the floor. Legolas jumped right up with her and they both exchanged nervous glances, unsure of whether they should help their brother or risk escaping Bard.  
And of course, out came the vomit, spilling all onto the kitchen floor. Bain coughed and whined, so squeamish that the sight of his own puke terrified him, as well as his own blood…anyone’s blood, actually. Sigrid covered her ears and Legolas’ expression was twisted to a very uncomfortable one as they let their brother finish blowing his chunks. Bard waited too. The moment Bain sat up and could breathe, he spoke.  
“Sigrid, get your brother a cloth towel. Legolas, get the needle out. Now.”  
“But da, he’s gross!” Sigrid protested and Bard tightened his fists.  
“Just do it.” Bard commanded, his jaw grinding as he did so, so Sigrid ran off to find a cloth towel and Legolas kneeled on the clean side of Bain to remove the object that had caused to many problems. When Sigrid returned, she had a mop and a cleaning bucket with her along with the cloth Bard asked for. She handed the things to him, but he shook his head and pointed to Bain. “I don’t need it. Give it to him.” She sighed and tossed the cloth at Bain, landing it right into the pile of whatever Bain had recently eaten.  
“Sigrid!” Legolas scolded and she scoffed.  
“What the hell, Si, I just asked you to give him the damn thing so he can clean himself!” Bard shouted and Legolas moved to grab the paper towel roll, but Bard stopped him. “No. She’s going to do it. Get your brother something to clean himself with, and no shit attitude about it!”  
Sigrid bowed her head, hiding her frustrated tears and marched over to the paper towels. She ripped a few off and then handed them directly to Bain this time. He gladly wiped it all over his face, but the scene was hardly done being cleaned.  
“And what did you get pierced, Miss Sass?” Bard asked with a lashing voice and she and Legolas looked at one another before Sigrid pulled up her shirt and revealed a glinting piece of jewelry in her bellybutton. “Oh. My. GOD! I tell you you can’t get it pierced, so you just…do it anyway?! Sigrid, that’s dangerous, not clean! It could get infected! Take it out! Out right now!”  
“But-”  
“If you give me one more but, I’m going to lose it completely. Take. It. Out.”  
“You never let me do what I want!” she argued with a stomp.  
“You’re fourteen, now take it out or I’ll do it for you with a pair of pliers!”  
She wiped her face and lifted her shirt again, unscrewing the top ball of the ring and sliding out of the hole in her belly. She plopped it on the counter and then pat her stomach.  
“There, now its looks stupid. Happy?” she retorted and Bard glared at her.  
“Does it look like I’m happy? What were you thinking?! All of you! Legolas, you’re seventeen for god’s sake and you know better! All of you know better! And you all know damn well Bain can’t stand blood! Why would you consider piercing him in the first place?!”  
“He wouldn’t shut up about it. He promised he wouldn’t faint and…well, he didn’t. That’s a plus.” Legolas said with a shrug and Bard tangled his fingers in his hair.  
Just then, a pattering of footsteps came. He turned to see it was Tilda – oh, sweet, little, innocent Tilda!…Or was she?  
“Please don’t tell me you don’t have something pierced too.” He sighed and she shook her head before hugging his side.  
“No. I went in my room when they said they were gonna do it because I didn’t want to get in trouble too.”  
“Why didn’t you tell ada what was happening?” Bard asked, and something hit him. That would have been the perfect solution to all of this, Tilda telling Thranduil so he could stop this piercing business, but where was Thranduil? He should have been watching them like a hawk in the first place! “Where is he?”  
“He was in the tub and fell asleep. Don’t worry, I pulled the plug so he wouldn’t drown.”  
“Well at least someone is responsible around here!” Bard said, waving his arm and showing off his good child of the day to all the pathetic ones sulking in the kitchen. “Tilda, honey, go in your room and I’ll come and get you when this is all done so we can have some ice cream together, okay?”  
“Okay, cool!”  
“And you know that this is bad right? Getting things pierced?” Bard said pointing to the guilty party and Tilda nodded.  
“Oh yes. Very bad.” Tilda said, flashing a devilish smirk to her siblings before skipping back off to her bedroom.  
Bard turned to the three and gestured to the mop and bucket.  
“You three are cleaning up and then sitting in the living room waiting for me for when I get back from murdering your father.”  
“Does that mean me too?” Bain asked.  
“I said ‘you three’. I didn’t mean the three musketeers.”  
“But I’m the one that puked! I don’t feel good! Why should I have to stare at t and clean it up and get even sicker?”  
“You should have thought about that before getting pierced. Deal with it.”

Bain’s jaw dropped, but Bard only caught a glimpse of it as he turned and headed toward the bathroom.

Asleep in the bathtub…asleep…in the bathtub. What the fuck! Bard would have to see it to believe, and he saw and he believed once he swung open the bathroom door. There was his beautiful husband who he loved so much, laying with his limbs sprawled in the tub that was definitely not his size. There were remnants of bubbles all over his resting body, his hair was thrown up into a bun, and his eyes closed. What a peaceful, lovely looking little bastard.  
Bard strode to the tub and sat on its edge. He grabbed the detachable shower rod and quietly turned the water on so it shot right onto Thranduil’s face, startling him back into consciousness and flailing his arms and legs.

“WHA! WHAT?! WHAT?!” the blonde screeched in alarm and wiped his now doused face, catching his composure as he saw his husband sitting there. “Bard, you’re home; what are you doing?” he said with a light chuckle sprinkled in his tone, but Bard didn’t so much as crack a smile.  
“What am I doing? What are you doing?”  
“I was just taking a bath, obviously.”  
“And sleeping?”  
“Oh…did I doze off?” Thranduil asked obliviously and realizing the water had disappeared.  
“Tilda did you the kindness of saving your life and drained the water.”  
“I wouldn’t have drowned.” Thranduil mused.  
“That’s not what I’m worried about.”  
Thranduil furrowed his brows as he saw how flat and menacing Bard’s expression was. He knew that look very well.  
“What’s wrong?” he asked swishing through the bubbles and standing, climbing out and wrapping a towel around his waist. Oh, Thranduil had a beautiful body…but it wouldn’t get him out of trouble, no, no.  
“What’s wrong? OUR CHILDREN WERE IN THE KITCHEN PIERCING THEMSELVES, THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG!” Bard yelled and Thranduil’s eyes widened, shocked by the sudden volume of his husband’s voice.  
“They what?” Thranduil asked, his features turning stern, and that made Bard laugh.  
“Oh, now you’re concerned? YOU WERE NAPPING IN THE TUB WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING THEM!”  
“Yes, and I’m very sorry. I guess I was just tired…I’m sorry, my love. This is my fault.” Thranduil apologized, knowing full well how much of his fault it really was. He felt completely stupid, but shoved that aside, knowing how upset these scenarios made Bard. He stepped forward and kissed his forehead. Bard melted onto him and heaved a sigh of defeat. Thranduil’s arms wrapped around him and his hands rubbed his back soothingly.  
“I just wanna be happy.” Bard whined dramatically and Thranduil laughed just a little.  
“Aren’t you happy?”  
“Yeah.” Bard huffed and let his head be kissed.  
“I will make this all go away, alright? Why don’t you go wait for me in the room and get comfortable?”  
“Can’t. Promised Tilda ice cream.”  
“I’ll punish the bad apples, we’ll hang with Tilda and give her some ice cream, go to sleep, and tomorrow we get a day off. How does that sound, my precious love?”  
Bard looked up at him with large puppy eyes; Thranduil always sweetened things up and Bard was so grateful for it.  
“That sounds amazing.”

And so Thranduil handled the rest of the body piercing situation, grounding each of the perpetrators. There were many more bizarre incidences that came along in the future, many starting with “It’s not what it looks like”. The children wouldn’t let their dads forget about any occasion, either. At their fifth wedding anniversary, they had a lot of laughs looking back on all of the hair pulling moments. There was a whole slideshow of pictures accompanied with their stories created and presented by the children (mostly adults, by this time) of all of the horrible things Legolas, Bain, Sigrid, and Tilda had managed to do over time titled “It’s not what it looks like”. Yes, they’d survived, and happily, at that.


End file.
